I wonder a lot of things. I wonder a thousand strange things each day and one of them is this: Some people say we are mere products of fate and chance, but are we?
As I sat on my cushioned bike seat marveling at the beauty and complexity around me and yesterday I came to this conclusion:
We are not controlled by chance. We control our choices.
This dawning made me realize something else. I really don't like some of the choices I have been making in the past year surrounding my health, family, friends and school. Now, I could just realize that, yes it's me who's making those poor decisions and the only fool proof way to stop them is to stop it. But when I am in the moment of choice it always comes back to this:
I believe each persons life is what they make it. When I get to the end of my life there will only be one question I ask myself and that is: Did you do it all?
Now, with this thought in mind it's sometimes hard to determine ground breaking choices that I will look back on my life with pride and wise eyes and feel proud and the choices that, while they may seem like a perfect example of living my life to the fullest at the moment, leave me feeling empty and wishful that I could go back and delete that split second decision forever.
I asked the people who have seen and heard it all from me for my whole life-- my two best friends. I asked them if they could please remind me who I am because at the moment I was having a hard time remembering. What I stand for, what I live for and what I hold closest to my heart. Because being away at college and away from those constant reminders of why I live is challenging and sometimes I need a wake up call from a person who has seen me at me worst and isn't afraid to tell me that you are pretty damn close to it.
My best friends advice?
"Sit in a garden."
Now to you, that may not seem like the kind of advice you are looking for after some of the stupid choices we all make in our everyday lives. But to me? Sitting in a garden IS what I live for.
Being alone in a garden reminds me that I am independent. I love sitting, walking, running and sleeping by myself and sometimes I need a reminder of how much I enjoy my own company rather that fill my seconds with blurred faces and snuggle buddies. It is a constant reminder that I'd rather wrap myself in a blanket and fall asleep to Pandora.
Being alone in a garden reminds me of family. My family will and has always been there for me. They know who I am and what I need to hear. Sometimes what I need to hear is not always what I WANT to hear, but my family (extending to friends as well) is a constant reminder of love and security.
Being alone in a garden reminds me of food. You may think it's strange that food is important to me, but when you live on an organic farm your whole life you find comfort in the fact that you are putting some of the very best products into your body. When I am away at college this is a hard one for me to remember. Being surrounded by convenience rather than value... it is so tempting to cave away from those moral lessons I was raised with. As is filling my body with harmful food and drink. But eating healthy reminds me of how much care I want to give to my precious body each day.
I think that this was just the advice I needed at the moment to remind myself that my choices are not only affecting me, but the people around me. I need to make them wise ones that I will look back on and feel proud of making. Where do I know I can find good choices and decisions waiting for me? I don't know... but a good place to start? In a garden.
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