How To

In this blog I will demonstrate "How To" do many things. Things that can only be taught by those who know. I have mastered, and now know that the things listed below take talent... and skill and a little bit of the crazies. Many of these beautiful talents that I have come to possess are not some that everyone wishes for. But they are what makes me, me. And so, for all those who wish they were me... this is "How To":

How To: Make everyone believe that you are smart enough to be valedictorian.
Start early, gather a reputation around school, talk to teachers and raise your hand at least three times in each class. Even if you don't know the answer it shows the right attitude. Smile and brown-nose a lot. Laugh when the teachers make jokes, even if you dont understand or think they are funny. Join club, or better yet, make your own club, even if you are the only member and it only lasts for a week.


How To: Make your Grandma think you are a total slut.
This one is easy.  Kiss three boys in one night, tell your mom about it in the hopes that sharing secrets will make your "mother daughter" bond stronger... and then sit down at a family dinner, at thanksgiving? or Christmas? How about new years. All of them work, as long as your mom has had a couple of glasses of wine.


How To: Dye your hair so much you don't know what your hair is supposed to look like.
Start with something fun, a blond, or brown, making sure to never get too crazy, the goal is to like the color enough to use the permanent kind, but not enough to keep it in for longer then a couple months. This could takes years, but soon, you will have a hair color, so unlike anybody else that you can be sure that you will never be able to fit into one hair color category ever again. And forever be wondering what your natural hair color looks like.  

How To: Turn off the T.V. with enough speed that even the fastest of dads don't catch you.
This one takes perfecting... and be warned: if not done properly, could result in your favorite friends disk being snapped into two. I advise cow bells on all of the doors, a lock on your bedroom door, and making sure that the T.V sound level reaches nothing higher than 10. If that still doesn't work, buy a lap-top. It works wonders and looks studious.


How To: Fool everyone into believing that every tooth in your smile is yours. 
Ahhh, this one is not for the faint of hearts, it is an emotional rollercoster filled with self loathing and doubt, but if you want to be like me, then this is a good place to start. step one. Be born without two of your teeth. (or I guess you could knock them out depending on how determined you are to be like me...) Go through the awkward stage of looking like a gap-tooth freak, then get braces before they are considered cool. Have your dentists spread a big enough gap between your teeth so it is possible to fit a straw in between them. Then as if middle school isnt hard enough, have them attach two fake teeth onto your braces. THEN... wear a retainer for the next four years of your life, pronouncing everything with a lisp and answering "because I dont feel like it" to the kids that ask you why you dont want to take off your retainer. NO LITTLE SHIT HEADS ITS NOT BECAUSE IT LOOKS NICE, ITS CAUSE IF I TOOK THEM OFF I'D LOOK LIKE A BEAVER!
after all that, you get to be like David after Dentist and get all drugged up as they drill two fake implants into your mouth. 

Warning: this costs a SHIT load of money. AND is an emotional scaring experience.

How To: Fool everyone into thinking you are a great artist.
This one is pretty simple. Like the valedictorian, it takes time, and a lot of bluffing. You may say that it's impossible to trick someone into thinking you are a good artist, yet I say... think again!
I have done it! First, you start drawing from a very young age, slowly, ever so slowly getting better, you let it be known that you like drawing, and then this is where the fun part comes in. If your family knows that you like to draw, the paint brushes, the pens and pencils, the art paper, and notepads will start pouring in. You fill them all up! The drawings DO NOT have to be good. As long as you leave a couple of your favorite around the house. Also, if you give some of your best work (what ever that may be) as Christmas presents... and such... you really CAN pull this one off.

How To: Be the worst girlfriend EVER! 
ALL THE SINGLE LADIES... Well, yeah Beyonce its not like you couldn't have a boyfriend if you didn't try. Some of us are just not that gifted. I'll tell you what.... If any of my readers can tell me that they have screwed up MORE relationships than I have, I'll buy them an ice cream. This one How To is difficult to explain, and even more difficult to break. I guess not all of us are meant to have reproductive organs, some of us gotta have UNproductive organs right??


Sigh, as I think on all of these wonderful characteristics/talents that I have come to possess... I find it harder and harder to believe that I haven't started a blog before this. I am one hott mess. But people, if you want to know the real me- here it is. HOW TO: BE SMALLY GEORGE IS HARDER THEN IT LOOKS.